205 St. Leonards Ave
Toronto ON
M4N 1K8
December, 4, 2007
Mr. Tom Stevens
Director Of Admissions
Royal St. Georges College
120 Howland Ave.
Toronto ON
M5R 3B5
Dear Mr. Stevens
I wish to attend Royal St. Georges College next year. I go to the Sterling Hall School. I have been at Sterling Hall since I was 6. I started in grade 1 with bright hopes of a successful career as a student attending the Sterling Hall School. I am currently Head Boy at My school and am really enjoying my leadership role. We met a few weeks ago for an interview and my application is in. I really enjoyed the look Royal St. Georges. Royal St. Georges is the school for me because; I am a strong leader, and a positive influence and role model to those around me.
This is my final year at the Sterling Hall School. I have really enjoyed Sterling Hall. It has taught me valuable lessons and created memories will never forget. I have also brought a lot to the school. I have been a positive role model over the years. I have been a strong leader; they have given me many opportunities to do so as well. Just last year i had the wonderful opportunity of being selected to go to a leadership camp. I learnt many characteristics and views on leadership i hadn’t had before. It improved my social skills as well. It is still early in the year so I hope to do many things in my role as head boy. Like Community service, and fundraisers, work with other schools and represent the school at functions. I have already done a few of these things.
I really enjoy the environment RSGC has to offer. It is a small nurturing supportive environment and I liked that a lot. Coming from a small school I find RSGC fairly similar to SHS. I am a fan of music and really enjoy your music program it looks like it has a lot to offer.I had a nice chat with Mr.Martin about it. I think that i could Be a strong leader at RSGC. Because of my past experiences i believe i can bring things i learnt this year to RSGC. I am very social and would make a great asset to the student body. I have many friends at RSGC that are all positive role models to me. I too can be a positive role model in many ways.I do alot of work with ounger boys in my role as head boy. During student council i work closely with a wide variety of grades and enjoy doing so very much. I am very caring and enjoy community service and would love to lend a hand on behalf of RSGC. I think that RSGC is the right school for me.
In Conclusion, RSGC has a lot to offer me and I believe I have a lot to offer RSGC . I think that my career at SHS has set me up for a school like RSGC. I think I can be a great asset to the school. Thank you for taking the time to read my letter Mr. Stevens
Sincerely
Jamie Pennock
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4 comments:
FIRST PARAGRAPH
say that its your top choice school
bright hopes.... is good sentence
My school - not capital
cocky thesis
SECOND PARAGRAPH
memories "I" will never forget
capital I
kind of cocky
THIRD PARAGRAPH
enjoy - find a new word
capital I
, not period after RSGC
capital I x3
stop talking about how your a role madel - sounds like your too full of yourself
younger
capital I
enjoy - find a new word again
CONCLUSION
I think - "i think you say that too much!!!!!"
GOOD LETTER JAMIE!!
INTRO
I dont understand where the bright hopes comes in.
i really enjoy the look of RSGC? explain...
describe how you can be a positive leader...
SECOND PARAGRAPH
he already knows it is your final year at SHS because in your intro you said you where in grade 8 and applied to RSGC.
maybe you want to explain some of the "memories" you have had...
leadership camp- how did it go?
name a few of the things that you have done for community service! be specific.
THIRD PARAGRAPH
describe how RSGC is familiar to SHS...
change up the vocab a little and maybe go on a different path because you are talking to much about how you can be a rolemodel.
CONCLUSION
i think, i think... dont say i think.. I KNOW!!
sincerely has a comma at the end
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
very well written letter!
new letter
205 St. Leonards Ave
Toronto ON
M4N 1K8
December, 4, 2007
Mr. Tom Stevens
Director Of Admissions
Royal St. Georges College
120 Howland Ave.
Toronto ON
M5R 3B5
Dear Mr. Stevens
I wish to attend Royal St. Georges College next year. I do because it is my top choice. I go to the Sterling Hall School. I have been at Sterling Hall since I was 6. I started in grade 1 with bright hopes of a successful career as a student attending the Sterling Hall School. I am currently Head Boy at my school and am really enjoying my leadership role. We met a few weeks ago for an interview and my application is in. I really enjoyed the look Royal St. Georges it has very interesting boys teachers and classes. Royal St. Georges is the school for me because; I am a strong leader, and a positive influence and role model to those around me.
This is my final year at the Sterling Hall School. I have really enjoyed Sterling Hall. It has taught me valuable lessons and created memories will never forget. I have also brought a lot to the school. I have been a positive role model over the years. I have been a strong leader; they have given me many opportunities to do so as well. Just last year i had the wonderful opportunity of being selected to go to a leadership camp. I learnt many characteristics and views on leadership i hadn’t had before. It improved my social skills as well. I met many new friends and haca wonderful time. It is still early in the year so I hope to do many things in my role as head boy. Like Community service, and fundraisers, work with other schools and represent the school at functions. I have already done a few of these things.
I am really interested in the environment RSGC has to offer. It is a small nurturing supportive environment and I liked that a lot. Coming from a small school I find RSGC fairly similar to SHS. I am a fan of music and really enjoy your music program it looks like it has a lot to offer.I had a nice chat with Mr.Martin about it. I think that i could Be a strong leader at RSGC. Because of my past experiences i believe i can bring things i learnt this year to RSGC. I am very social and would make a great asset to the student body. I have many friends at RSGC that are all positive role models to me. I too can be a positive role model in many ways.I do alot of work with ounger boys in my role as head boy. During student council i work closely with a wide variety of grades and enjoy doing so very much. I am very caring and enjoy community service and would love to lend a hand on behalf of RSGC. I think that RSGC is the right school for me.
In Conclusion, RSGC has a lot to offer me and I believe I have a lot to offer RSGC . I know that my career at SHS has set me up for a school like RSGC. I think I can be a great asset to the school. Thank you for taking the time to read my letter Mr. Stevens
Sincerely,
Jamie Pennock
I don't think that starting off with" wish" is good. Maybe you should say " I know"
You should start a different scentance when you say " I sent in my application because what you had before that was excellent.
In your second paragraph first two scentance you use Sterling Hall a bit and maybe for the second paragraph you should say my school.
You spelt leaned wrond in the second paragraph.
In the third paragraph you talk about what you can bring to the school. you shouldnt say what you can bring because thats to much to ask for.
Near the end of the third you spelt younger wrong.
IN your concluson you say " I think" a lot also you say " RSGC" a couple two many times say your school or something different.
THis is very good Jaime keep it up
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